İlişkinizi Onarmak

01/03/2020 345 Comments

İlişkimizi onarabilmek için öncelikle ne yaparak bozduğumuzu bilmemiz gerekiyor. Çoğu zaman eş seçimlerimiz kendimizi bile şaşırtabilir. Çünkü eşimizi seçerken belirleyici olan sanılanın aksine sadece duygularımız ya da mantığımız değildir. Hayatımızın genelinde olduğu gibi seçimlerimizde de temel belirleyici çoğunlukla bilinçaltımızdır. Freud bunu şu kelimelerle mükemmel şekilde özetler. “Bilincinde olunmayan düşünme ve bilgisinde olunmayan isteme” Bilinçaltımızın bilgisinde olduğu ve çözmek istediği bir realite vardır. Ve biz bunun peşinde çoğu zaman kaynağını bilmediğimiz duygular ve istemlerle bağlanırız hayata ve insanlara.

İşte ilişkilerdeki sorunları, çıkmazları çözmek için bilinçaltımızın neden bizi bu yola soktuğunu da anlamamız gerekir. Eşimiz köken ailemizde kime benzer? Bize bu kişinin hissettirdi hangi hisleri hissettirir? Duruşuyla, davranışlarıyla hangi çocukluk yaralarını deşer? Genç kızların babalarıyla sorunlarını çözememişken, tam da bu çatışmalardan kaçmaya çalışırken kendilerine tam da babalarının hissettirdiği gibi duygular hissettiren eşler seçmeleri bir tesadüf müdür? Ya da erkeklerin annelerinin domine ettiği bir yaşamdan bıkmışken, baskın kişilikli bir eş seçip bütün ipleri eline vermek istemeleri bir çeşit tutarsızlık mı? Aslında değil. Hayatta çözmekten kaçtığımız, görmeyi reddettiğimiz tüm hayat olayları farklı olay ve kişi kompozisyonları olarak biz onları görmeyi ve dersimizi almayı kabul edene kadar döngüsel olarak tekrar tekrar karşımıza çıkmaya devam ederler. Buna eş seçimimiz ve ilişkimizde dahildir.

Bu nedenle ilişkilerimizdeki tekrar eden döngüsel sorunlar aslında bize öncelikle kendimizle çalışmamız gerektiğini gösterir. Kendimizle çalışırken şunu anlarız; çocukluk yaralarımızı iyileştirmedikçe karşımızdaki kişi ya da kişiler değişse de ilişki kalıpları ve sorunların özü değişmez. Mesela eşinizin sizi yeterince çekici ya da zeki bulmadığını düşünüyorsanız, kendiniz hakkındaki bu yargınız eşinizin her türlü sözel olan ya da olmayan iletişimini bu şekilde algılamayanıza neden olabilir. Bunun altında yatan çocukluk yaranız ise belki çocukken kilolu olmanız nedeniyle sosyal ortamlarda dalga konusu edilmeniz ya da bir aile ferdi tarafından bu konuda sürekli uyarılıp eleştirilmeniz olabilir. Bu duygunun kaynağını bulup iyileştirmedikçe, içten içe yaşadığınız kendini beğenmeme algısını diğerleriyle olan ilişkilerinize yansıtarak o ilişkide de istenmediğiniz, onaylanmadığınız için öfke duyabilirsiniz. Özgüvensiz, sürekli dışsal onay ve sevilme ihtiyacı içinde olan ve bu ihtiyaç yeterince karşılanmadığı sürece ilişkide doyumu yaşayamayan bir insana dönüşebilirsiniz. İşte tüm bu sürecin farkındalığıyla birlikte alınan destek sizi ve ilişkinizi bu kısırdöngüden çıkarabilir. Ve siz değişirseniz ancak ilişkiniz değişir. Sağlıklı bir ilişki için mümkünse her iki eşin de önce kendi yaralarını onarması gerekir.Bir başkasını değiştirmek üzere atılan her adım dipsiz bir kuyuya taş atmak gibidir.

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