Bunca Uzak Olmasak… (Duyguların İçinden Geçmek)

Çoğu zaman zannediyoruz ki mutluluk, bizim olmadığımız bir yerde ya da sahip olmadığımız bir şeyde. Özellikle özlemin kimi zaman hüzünle karışan bir yanı var. Bunca uzak olmasak sevdiklerimize, ülkemize sanki her şey daha kolay olacakmış gibi.

Uzakta olunca bir de sevdiklerimizin hastalık dönemleri yorar en çok. Hastalanan yakınımızın yanında olamamak suçlu hissettirir bazen. Yanında olabilenlere borçlu hissettirir. Bazen tüm bu duygu selinde yüzmek yorgun hissettirir. Bunca yoğun duyguların içinde yaşamaktansa koşup gitmek gelir bezen içimizden. Oysaki duygulardan geçebilmenin en sağlıklı yolu içinden geçmektir. Onları fark ederek, hissetmeye izin vererek, kabul ederek. Ancak ondan sonra içimizde dönüşür bir şeyler. Belki özlem kavuşma umuduna, hüzün yeni başlangıçların heyecanına dönüşür. Bu yazıda bahsetmek istediğim; duygularımıza takılıp kalmadan ve onları ezip geçmeden, yok saymadan bunu nasıl başarabiliriz.

Bize acı veren duygulardan genellikle çabucak kurtulmak isteriz. Çevremizdeki insanlar da bu konuda bizi desteklerler. Bize acı veren bir duygumuzdan bir arkadaşımıza bahsettiğimizde mesela; kafamız dağılsın diye bizi kendimizi daha iyi hissedeceğimiz bir yerlere götürmek, bunları düşünmememizi sağlamak ya da sorunu önemsizleştirmek gibi yöntemlerle bizi teskin etmeye çalışır. Aslında çoğu zaman bizde bu yolu seçeriz. Daha çok çalışmak, daha fazla temizlik ve alışveriş, kendimizle baş başa kalmamak için daha fazla sosyalleşme, daha fazla abur cubur vs. Acıdan kaçtıkça biz, o içimizde daha derin bir yerlere yerleşir sanki. Fırsatını bulduğunda yeniden şansını denemek için.

Duygularımızın içinden geçebilmek için öncelikle onları duyabileceğimiz, kendimizle baş başa kalabildiğimiz anlara ihtiyacımız olur. Bu anı; kimi zaman koltuğumuzda gözlerimizi kapatıp dururken, kimi zaman yatağımızda tavanı izlerken, kimi zaman meditasyon yaparken yakalarız. Ve kendimize bedenimize, ruhumuza sorarız. Ne hissediyorsun? Neye ihtiyacın var? Ve akmasına izin veririz, yargılamadan izleriz. Ne özlem kötü, ne mutluluk iyi. Hepsi sadece var. İyi ki varlar.

Bazen bize acı veren duygular o kadar yoğunlaşırki; bu duygu girdabından çıkamayacağımızı hep böyle hissedeceğimizi zannederiz. Oysa her şey gibi duygularımızda değişecektir. O anlarda küçük detaylara tutunmak bizi bu duygularda takılıp kalmaktan kurtarabilir. Mesela pencereden görünen bir ağacın yapraklarının huzurlu ve ışıltılı devinimi ya da bir kedinin yumuşacık tüyleri, bir bebeğin gülüşü. O an göremiyor olsak bile zamanla daha fazlasını görmeye başlarız; varlığına şükran duygudumuz kişiler, anlar, olaylar, varlıklar ve tabiki kendi varlığımız.

Bu süreçler sizi gerçekten zorluyor ve profesyonel bir desteğe ihtiyaç duyduğunuzu düşünüyorsanız bana www.aslidagdelen.com adresimden ulaşabilirsiniz.

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